Document
Subject: 42 zany ways to order pizza
42 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang
up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning
Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you
up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long
"i"
sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally
offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and
ask, "Do
you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.