virus: Computer Geeks are Sexy
KMO (kmo@halcyon.com)
Tue, 10 Dec 1996 21:10:50 -0800
>>
>>Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
>>
>>Scott Adams
>>Windows Magazine, May 1995
>>
>>I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
>>"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
>>stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing
>>number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
>>Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
>>
>>If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
>>spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
>>exactly Kevin Costner.
>>
>>Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays
>>home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
>>incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
>>
>>I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who
>>have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
>>important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
>>blow to the forehead.
>>
>>But that skill is becoming less important every year.
>>
>>Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
>>without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
>>stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
>>
>>It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
>>with its own evolutionary destiny:
>>
>>Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
>>non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work
>>in tech support).
>>
>>Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
>>calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group
>>will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of
>>pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
>>
>>Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
>>tourists.
>>
>>Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
>>evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
>>put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a
>>real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
>>potential.
>>
>>And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
>>listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
>>without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better
>>if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
>>ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's
>>say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh
>>month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great
>>listener for the next 70 years.
>>
>>Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
>>with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
>>suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
>>like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow
>>of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
>>
>>It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
>>know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
>>who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
>>realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
>>most persuasive thing I've written so far.
>>
>>If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
>>They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
>>elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
>>see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
>>If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
>>circumstantial evidence alone.
>>
>>I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
>>pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
>>suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
>>problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung
>>at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical
>>question: everybody but the tourists.)
>>
>>Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
>>Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according
>>to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
>>aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
>>it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau
>>of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two
>>about satisfying women.
>>
>>You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
>>computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
>>paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
>>
>>In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
>>hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
>>own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
>>
>>Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
>>Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
>>is going to look at them twice.
>>
>>It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
>>qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
>>likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
>>Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's
>>stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
>>
>>Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier
>>than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.
>>If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we
>>can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the
>>computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of
>>a PC in his underwear.
>>
>>In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
>>It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
>>