virus: Darwin Awards
Wed, 24 Feb 1999 11:07:50 -0500

You just never know...

> ----------
> From: Peter Collins[]
> Reply To:
> Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 5:45 AM
> To: Andrea Blood (E-mail); Evan Buckhouse (E-mail); Annie D Collins
> (E-mail); Charles Conrad (E-mail); Richard E. Collins (E-mail);
> Fulnecky, Charles A, (E-mail); Charlie Fulnecky (E-mail); Craig
> Harvieux (E-mail); Mike Huckstadt (E-mail); Kevin Kling (E-mail);
> Brian McCall (E-mail); Drew Messerli (E-mail); Liz Novak (E-mail);
> Nolan, John (E-mail); Julie & Mike Salyers (E-mail); Syler, Brad
> (E-mail); Patrick Layton Work (E-mail)
> Subject: FW: 1st Darwin Awards for 1999
> -----Original Message-----
> Sent: Tuesday, February 23, 1999 12:13 PM
> To: 'Collins, Peter'; 'Kim Hall & Co.'; 'Long, Christian'; 'Pearah,
> Mark';
> 'Pearah, Marlene'; 'Silke, Jason'; Sloan Jon (E-mail)
> Subject: FW: 1st Darwin Awards for 1999
> And you think you know ALL the weirdoes!!!!!!!
> The First Darwin Nominees for 1999
> A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
> of
> suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He
> was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes
> and a
> woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's
> uniform
> look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter
> canister
> removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of
> the hose
> was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12
> inches
> long and 3 inches in diameter.
> This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and
> was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining
> the
> circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward."
> *************************************
> Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
> when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the
> occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and
> crashed.
> They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
> their
> ankles.
> *************************************
> A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911.
> She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting
> that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found
> the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over
> to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed
> burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
> removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital),
> the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that
> the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon
> flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death.
> Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the
> cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders
> (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to
> the story, after his orgasm the ...ahem... discharge
> shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
> **************************************
> (AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a
> Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to
> complaints
> from
> neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon
> entering the
> apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of
> the
> apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet,
> were
> covered
> with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was
> very
> unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because
> everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended
> and a
> doorway
> began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described
> the man
> as
> having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had
> taped
> various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about
> his
> apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies.
> Small
> slits had
> been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to
> Hradj,
> "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing."
> The
> man
> was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We
> think
> he
> had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather
> duster
> was
> lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the
> lamp,
> which
> was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death
> trying to
> extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment
> manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and
> had
> food
> delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His
> next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
> *****************************************************
> A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
> because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
> Not
> surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
> fireplace in his
> house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
> killing both
> him
> and his sister.
> *****************************************************
> A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway
> near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
> passenger
> and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
> qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the
> driver's
> attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had
> started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting
> to
> press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
> lost her
> own.

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it
might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it
ain't. That's logic."
Lewis Carroll